missing a friend

you don’t realize how much you actually miss someone until one afternoon you’re sitting at the kitchen table, peeling an orange when the realization hits you like a freight train.

like where did this person go? where did ALL your friends go? how do you tell them that youre thinking of them? that the small and unusual fruit reminded you of them? they would have loved this ugly looking orange.

wasnt it just yesterday when you were talking about your dream jobs? making plans to meet for coffee? then why does yesterday feel so far away?

who do i tell that i no longer dislike oranges because peeling them takes too much effort?

i imagined wiping my sticky hands on my sleeve and scrambling to get a picture, but whats the use of it? who will i send it to? where did my friend go?

sitting at a table full of people, trying to get a word in, i think about my friend. i think about all the times conversation flowed smoothly, soft laughs following. i think about how i never had to try to mask my feelings, or cut myself off to let the other person talk.

staring out the window of the moving bus, watching cars and people and moments drift by, i think about the time we were talking about love. she had developed a crush and i had a front row seat to her slow descent into madness.

she wouldve loved whatever’s been happening in my life lately.

‘he almost kissed me!!’ i wanted to tell her.

‘its over’ i wanted to cry to her.

‘i miss you’ i wanted to say.

i wish you were here and i wish i could tell you that im eating soup, followed by a bad joke—that i would expect you to laugh at—and i wish you could tell me about the new show youre watching.

i wanted to send you a picture of the peel sitting on the table so you’d know i’m thinking about you.

you also don’t realize how lonely you are until the freight train hits you again, but in a different setting this time.

you’re lying in bed trying to fall asleep when you realize you have so much left to say. so many things that you’ve wanted to say for so long but never got the chance to. but did you get the people?

do you have someone to go to when life happens to you? do you even know where to go?

didn’t you use to keep a list of things that you never got to say but hoped you would someday? doesn’t the list still remain?

i hope someday you’re be able to let go of the list. i hope someday you would forget that there even was a list. and i hope someday when you’re sitting at the kitchen table peeling an orange, you have people to send a picture to.